The person who always whines. Constantly whining people around. A man complains and whines - what not to do
Maria Angelou said a brilliant phrase: “If you don’t like something, change it. If it doesn’t work out, change your view of it. Don't complain."
Why do many people complain? Why are there people around who are constantly dissatisfied with something? First you listen to them and sympathize, then you try to help the person, and then you notice that the person himself does nothing, but continues to complain. Why is this happening?
Because they want someone to change something for them.
To feel supported. When people complain, there is usually someone to listen to them. Then such people begin to feel that they are not alone.
Forms of expression. Some people, when they don't know what to say, start complaining.
Delivering information. Complaints are one way to explain a situation.
Out of sympathy. Many people believe that they do not value themselves and suffer from it. As a result, they complain to other people.
There are reasons why you shouldn't complain. Or rather, you shouldn’t be a constant complainer. Indeed, in addition to some kind of internal satisfaction, complaints face a number of problems. The main ones:
Complaining is an opportunity to remain a victim;
By complaining, a person lowers the frequency of his energy field, and it becomes harder for him to connect with those who are at a higher level;
Constantly complaining, you get the feeling that complaining does not bring relief and everything inside remains the same;
People who complain often don't like those who complain to them. It is important for them to express themselves. And there are rarely those who accept other people's complaints;
If the complainer likes cheerful, easy-going, open people, he will not attract them into his life. They will go around him. After all, complaints are a burden that can drag them down too.
If you grow up with complainers, complaints can surprise, captivate, and enchant. But at some point, a person realizes that no matter what he does to make the complainant’s life easier, the complainant will find a new reason to complain. Because they have already become a part of his life, and he can no longer live without them. If a child grows up in such an environment, then he either adopts a behavior pattern or becomes diametrically opposed to behavior.
What does it take to stop complaining? First of all, a person needs to stop. It is necessary to reconsider the situation and your view of it. Look for ways to solve the problem. And try to do something. Having gotten rid of one situation, you should switch your gaze and find more reasons that do not suit you. In fact, you should reconsider your outlook on life completely. Change your personal attitude towards situations. Look for ways out, rather than wasting time and people. After all, the more a person complains, the fewer people remain around him. Truly dedicated and good people who simply cannot tolerate constant complaining.
Many of us have friends or relatives (usually elderly) who like to complain about life. To the question “How are you?” you consistently receive a description of all the troubles and misadventures during the reporting period, and invariably it is not your interlocutor who is to blame, but someone else. These people had never heard of positive psychology - and suddenly found themselves in a trend: grumbling and complaining is now a sign of mental well-being. Let's see what this gives us.
Barbara Held suggests an alternative to forced positivity - complaining. She even wrote a book where she tells how to learn to grumble. It's like self-help literature for complainers. The book is called Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching. "Kvetch" is a Yiddish word, and it is most accurately translated as "grumbling."
The main idea of Held's book is that everything in life is never absolutely good. Sometimes things just aren't that bad. This means there will always be reasons for complaints. Real estate prices are falling - one can complain about the depreciation of capital. If real estate prices are rising, you can complain about how superficially everyone around you discusses your growing capital.
Life is difficult, but according to Held, that in itself is not a problem. The problem is that we are made to think that life is not difficult. When asked how we are, we are expected to say, “Everything is great!” Although in reality everything is very bad, because your husband cheated on you. By learning to focus on the negative—and complain about it—you can develop a mechanism that helps make life more bearable.
However, grumbling is not only a way to cope with difficult situations. The freedom to complain comes with the ability to face reality and accept it as it is. This gives us human dignity, in contrast to the behavior of the eternally positive person who vehemently insists that there is no such thing as bad weather (only bad clothes). It happens, Mr. Lucky. And how nice it is to complain about the weather while sitting at home with a mug of hot tea!
We need to reclaim our right to grumble, even if it doesn't lead to positive change. But if it can lead to them, then all the more important. And note that grumbling is always directed outward. We complain about the weather, the politicians, the football team. It's not us who are to blame, it's them!
A positive approach, on the contrary, is directed inward - if something is wrong, you need to work on yourself and your motivation. We have ourselves to blame for everything. Unemployed people shouldn't complain about the social assistance system - they can just pull themselves together, start thinking positively and find a job. You just have to “believe in yourself” - but this is a one-sided approach that reduces the most important social, political and economic problems to a question of the motivation and positivity of the individual.
Overcoming difficulties is too much
If you want to learn how to look at the negative without illusions, I can recommend a technique called negative visualization.
As part of positive thinking, as far as I know, only positive visualization is always recommended. For something good to happen, you need to imagine it. Athletes use this technique during training. Coaches also help us visualize goals to help us achieve them.
In contrast to these positive fantasies, you can, of course, start complaining endlessly, but this will most likely quickly tire those around you, especially if you do it without a spark. Negative visualization is a better way to practice negative thinking.
This method was used by many Stoics. In his letter to Marcia, who remained inconsolable for three years after the death of her son, the ancient Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca writes that she must understand: everything in life is given to us only “on loan.” And Fortune can take it away at any time without warning. It is the awareness of this truth that helps us love what we have even more (while we have it).
In another letter, Seneca warns that death should not be perceived as an event that will happen only in the distant future. After all, in fact, it can come at any minute.
The ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus writes directly and very specifically that the child you kiss before bed is mortal. And we need to remember this. Although it is sad, by being reminded of people's mortality we begin to love them more and accept them with all their flaws.
Most parents are familiar with that feeling of despair when a child whines endlessly and does not want to go to bed. This despair is quickly replaced by joy that the child is alive if one reminds oneself of its mortality. Epictetus would say that it is better to hold a screaming child than a dead one, and negative visualization makes it easier for us to bear the screams.
Finally, we must remember our own mortality. Think about death every day. Don't let these thoughts paralyze you or drive you to despair. Gradually get used to the thought of death and learn to appreciate everyday life more. Modern culture encourages positive thinking and the “good life”, but we do not learn how to die correctly. Or maybe it would be worth it.
So, there are two types of negative visualization and, accordingly, two exercises.
- Imagine that you have lost something (or someone) important, and notice how this makes you more happy about the existence of that thing or person. In psychology, there is a concept of “hedonic adaptation,” which means that we very quickly get used to good things. Negative visualization will help prevent this and develop a feeling of gratitude.
- Think about the fact that you too will leave this world: you will grow old, get sick and eventually die. If you think about this every day, you will learn to appreciate life - even in difficult times. There is nothing you can do about these facts, but you can try to accept them.
Comment on the article “Why complaining and grumbling is more useful than positive psychology”
It seems to me that the most important thing, whether positive or negative, is not to go to extremes. That is, both can be useful.
The first point worth paying attention to. These thoughts are material. As you understand, not every crazy thought that comes into your bad head or my smart one :) comes true. A certain state of mind is required. Defined reference points. And some more points that you can learn from Vseslav Solo.
From my life experience, I can say that visualization can be both positive and negative. If you are afraid of something and when you feel this negative sensation, add the slightest visualization - this event will happen. It is being fully implemented. And you will feel the full weight of your negative attitude towards life at that moment. And it turns out that after a while you will find yourself at the lowest point of your existence. Financially, health-related, or other events that will border on stress or even death. Negative visualization helps you choose a new path of development. Only from this point of view can one engage in some kind of negative realizations. But I don’t recommend them to you either. It’s better to practice positive visualization. And get the happiest moments of your life. And you can deal with negative aspects simply in your head.
One of the exercises that is recommended to be performed to work through negative aspects in your life and feelings. It looks something like this.
If you want to get some positive moment in life, then you start with a counterweight to it, that is, with a negative moment. If you want to get a negative moment, then do the opposite, start with the positive.
We want to get rid of the fear of driving a car. Let's start from the negative point. We want to set ourselves a positive goal and learn how to drive properly and be confident. That is, we are looking for uncertainty in ourselves, problems while driving, and other events that interfere or we are afraid. Unwound them in yourself. Once you have felt all the fear and negativity, move on to positive moments that should remove all fear and negative feelings. Next, we repeat the same thing several times until the fear and negativity completely go away and are replaced by positive moments. When there is nothing left to fear, there is nothing to deny, take it and finish on a positive note for the last time. It is necessary. Well, somehow I wanted to write briefly, but how did it turn out. If anything is not clear, then Vseslav Solo wrote very well about implementation.
Oh, finally someone wrote that you don’t have to be a happy idiot :)
Total 5 messages .
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Most likely, among your acquaintances there are at least a few people whom you try to avoid meeting because of their constant whining and complaints about the whole world. And not at all because you are cruel and heartless in relation to other people's problems. It’s just that after each such conversation, or rather a monologue, you feel overwhelmed, irritated because of wasted time and energy, squeezed like lemon, and wildly tired. How to behave correctly with people who are always whining? Let's find out right now.Why you shouldn’t console those who are always whining
We are taught to be attentive to others, and Russian women generally have pity and compassion in their blood. All these qualities are good for people who really need help, but for whiners they are simply destructive. This is because by listening to eternal complaints about the injustice of the world, you thereby encourage their lifestyle, based on inaction and self-pity. In addition, whiners are excellent manipulators, trying to solve their problems at the expense of others.
Add to this a huge amount of your time spent listening to other people’s complaints, energy losses and a spoiled mood. Physical manifestations are often added to this - and some people even feel sick after listening to eternal complaints. Now it’s clear why you shouldn’t waste time on whiners? Moreover, you are doing a disservice by listening to their complaints: they lose the incentive to improve their own lives. How to build relationships with such comrades, with whom you don’t want to spoil and completely break them, but it’s already unbearable to communicate according to the usual scenario? The following useful tips will come in handy here:
1. Don't be shy about interrupting your whining.
If you don't want to put other people's problems through yourself, don't do it. Defend yourself, your time and nerves and don’t be afraid to offend your interlocutor. Try to take the conversation in a different direction or simply cut off the speaker with phrases like “Why are you telling this?”, “Can I help you with anything?” or “There is nothing I can do for you in this situation.”
2. Understand what doesn't work with whining people.
Surprisingly, all the basic tools we use to deal with those who complain about life are ineffective. These include encouragement, offers to help, requests to stop whining, ignoring, cursing, and your similar complaints about life.
3. Get to the bottom of the complaint
Hearing the problem of a whiner is a completely different scenario, thanks to which you can maintain the “golden mean” in communication. Accompany the whining person’s speech with simple phrases, for example, “clear,” “understandable,” “class,” “disgrace,” etc. Avoid comments like “yeah/yeah/uh-huh” - they can be perceived by the whiner as agreement with his troubles, which will only provoke him.
4. Acknowledge the whining problem.
All whiners are waiting for support, that's a fact! Therefore, it is best to respond to a plaintive tirade with understanding and sympathy: his problems are terrible, the situation is really difficult, and as soon as the unfortunate person manages to cope with it! Having received their share of attention, people who complain about everyone and everything calm down, perk up and become completely different. And please avoid sarcasm: for a whiner, a specific problem may seem like the end of the world, when for you it is a mere trifle.
5. Ask the whiner if he wants to know your opinion about his problems
In 99% of cases, whiners do not want to think about how an exciting problem is solved, much less actually look for ways out of it. Accordingly, they don’t want to know your opinion. Therefore, this maneuver allows you to cool down these bores and easily move the conversation in a different direction. Whiners can spend hours complaining about the difficulties of life, but they cannot stand advice: what if you share some worthwhile idea, and they will have nothing to object to! Tell the whiner: if you need your advice, then you can listen to him, but if your opinion is not important to him, and he just wants to throw out negativity on you, then refuse such a conversation.
6. Ask the whiner how he plans to solve his problem and whether he has started doing it
Another option for communicating with whiners is not to give any advice, but to ask what the person himself has already begun to do to solve his problems, or what he is going to do. If you pin the whiner against the wall in this way, then, willy-nilly, he will have to give a more or less intelligible answer. Having heard it, you may exclaim: “Well, you see, your problem is solved!” Perhaps this course of events will stop the whiner in his complaints - at least specifically in this situation.
If your conscience does not allow you to use this guide to properly dealing with whiners (after all, people need to be helped!), remember this: you are more important to yourself than the troubles of others. There is no need to clog your head with other people's problems and waste your own energy. And then, lo and behold, the whiner you know will learn to solve problems on their own, and become one more pleasant companion.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on the blog, but there were reasons for that. Today I’m going to correct this situation and talk about why, how and why people complain about everything, in other words, they whine.
Our modern life is full of problems, stress and difficulties. There is not a single person who does not have to solve a lot of problems that arise every day: at school, at work or at home. It’s just that everyone’s attitude towards them is different.
For some, the glass is always half full, and problems are taken lightly and left to chance. Such people flutter through life like butterflies and do not allow troubles to ruin their mood.
Some people bravely endure the most severe hardships and failures without losing their endurance, sense of humor or fortitude, and consider it unacceptable to complain. Looking at such people, those around them often have no idea how much their smile and good mood cost a person, and what lies behind them.
But there are also those who have nothing special to complain about, but friends, acquaintances and colleagues constantly hear whining and dissatisfaction over the most trivial reasons. What can we say, if something serious actually happens to such a person, it will be hard for everyone around him, and it will be very difficult to withstand it.
Main reasons why people whine
People who constantly pester their loved ones and even strangers with their whining, who are they and why do they do this? What is this - a way of life, energy vampirism or just weak?
The first reason that comes to mind is weak character. It is so inherent in nature that each of us is born with a certain set of character qualities, among them there is the so-called “core” and willpower.
In their absence, a person “breaks down” and turns into an eternally complaining whiner. Another thing is that these qualities can be cultivated in oneself on one’s own, because a person is capable of changing if only he really wants to. Both living conditions and the circumstances that arise along our path help us “toughen up”.
We all need to speak up and get support sometimes. Therefore, do not push away your loved ones in difficult times of their lives, find time to listen and sympathize, provided that this is not abused. The person turns to you, which means he values your opinion and trusts you.
When it comes to abuse, some people just like to play the victim of circumstance. This is very convenient and brings dividends.
I’ll sympathize with the whiner, and they’ll take pity on you, and they’ll offer their help, and they’ll lend you money, and they won’t overload you with things to do. And it’s so hard for a person, why should he add more worries?
Those who like to complain very quickly realize the benefits of their position and begin to use it to the fullest.
There is another reason why people become whiners - energy vampirism. Perhaps you have ever noticed that the person who cried to you became cheerful and cheerful after the conversation, but you, on the contrary, had a headache and your soul became heavy. This is true.
People throw off all the negative energy of their problems onto others, while choosing deeply empathetic colleagues and loved ones, and it becomes easier for them, which cannot be said about the “receiving side”. After such a conversation, poor health may persist for several days.
What to do if someone constantly complains to you
If you notice such symptoms in yourself and have become a constant victim of an annoying whiner, you should stop with this as soon as possible. And it’s not just about your mental balance. A person who is accustomed to complaining does not know how to solve his problems at all, and, to be honest, he does not want to do this.
There will be no problems - there will be no reason for such usual whining. Therefore, do not encourage such actions. Yes, if this does not happen so often, you can sympathize and support the person, and even better, give practical advice that will help solve the problem. But if the flow of complaints does not dry up, and proposals for a way out of the current situation fall on deaf ears, it is worth thinking about and depriving the whiner of your company.
You can refer to your busyness or simply answer the “victim of circumstances” dryly and monosyllabically. Believe me, the whiner will become uninterested in you, and he will rush to find a new sympathizer.
Or you can directly express your opinion; it is possible that this step will help a person look at himself from the outside and stop constantly complaining! In any case, these actions should not be encouraged, especially to the detriment of oneself.
